my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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