I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
