i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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