Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
