Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
