So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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