i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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