I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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