And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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