i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just threw up on my dentist
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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