If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
