I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize