D3 body, D1 cock
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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