Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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