you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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