I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
