Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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