walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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