Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
