didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
we're so committed to being not committed
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