i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
