Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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