I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
