The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize