I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
