it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
