The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
