guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
