I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
