I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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