I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
