at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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