I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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