I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
