Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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