so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
