Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
