his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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