he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
