dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
