Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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