apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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