dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
