Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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