: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
