I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
