Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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