Your tits are I can't wait for
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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