I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
