I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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