I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
