I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
