I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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