There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
