I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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