2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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