Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
