I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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