I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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