ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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